two days, two days.

well that's it, we leave for california the day after tomorrow. i am so excited, oh my god. yesterday i should have been packing, but unfortunately i was having a rough time. i hate that i don't have a job, and i hate that i'm the "unemployed girlfriend". not that anybody calls me that but myself or anything. i want to be able to provide for him, for US. but i can't. the one time i have been trying so fucking hard, applying at over 30 places i'm sure. no feedback whatsoever. i miss my old job, and i miss the people there. i was getting the hang of it and beginning to really like it. i don't understand why things would be this way for a reason. that's what i believe. i just don't see it.. what's the purpose? to slowly make me lose hope? it just sucks. i completely broke down and basically had a panic attack yesterday. almost got a job, then found out it was already filled, then applied for 20,000 more jobs, and the only one that calls back is a freaking temp agency. everything's riding against me it seems. i'm trying so hard to keep my head above water. thank god for christmas soon, and seeing my friends and family. but i'm scared that when i leave i'm going to be twice as sad knowing i'm coming back to no job, no income, and more loss of hope. i'm praying for a miracle here. just anything, really. so hopefully this next week is amazing - i know it will be. i'm needing it badly. justin is more than amazing and supporting me through all of this, and i love him so much! i just hate the fact that i feel like a failure to him. to my family. even to myself. i know it's nothing personal, and that the economy sucks ass right now. but i'm always the first person i blame. i guess i need to work on that...

i hope everybody has a great holiday. i'm sorry if i am bringing you down :(