what now?

my brain is exhausted. 
i'm trying to think of another word to describe what happened, but exhausting is all i can think of. but also, awful, stressful, hurt, with no which way to go. this is where i'd run home to mom, bury my head in the sheets and call it a day. the motors in my head seem to be jammed as it's taking twice as long to figure out a complete sentence. how am i supposed to survive with all these things being thrown at me at once? this, then that, then that - i'm drowning. c'mon, throw me a bone here. how can one expect me to be positive about this? after i would have killed someone for that opportunity. i got it, pat me on the back, just to get thrown under the bus and i'm expected to be completely understanding about it. people these days need to use their brains, and put themselves in other peoples shoes more often. see how it feels on the other side of things. because then, i think things would be a lot different.


daily letters

dear november 28,

go fuck yourself, you worthless piece of shit!




although i am without my legitimate family this year, i was embraced and welcomed into a new family. ups and downs put together - i really like them. but i do miss my family so much it brought me to tears. i am so unbelievably thankful for them in supporting me in everything that i do. i can't even begin to express how grateful i am for them. i love them, and i can't wait to see them soon :)

i am thankful for justin, too. spending family time with him seems so right. with anybody else, it would have felt really awkward. it's like taking a family portrait, and bringing a boyfriend/girlfriend along. you would want some with them, and with just the family just in case something goes wrong. but - i would want justin in all of them, because i want him in my family forever. he fits. i just know it.

PS- don't ask why i named this entry "turkey" because even i have no clue why


hold on.

california in 28 days. work is alright, i feel like i'm really getting used to everyone and getting the hang of everything. the only thing that sucks is that i won't be there for very long. please pray for some sort of miracle that i get to stay, because i really like the job, i like the people, and it's what i love to do. i don't want to have to start all over again from ground zero at another job when i haven't even finished from the previous job. this blows, seriously. that's the only thing that has been on my mind for the past couple of days. how i'm beginning to enjoy my job, then they take it from me. what kind of blanket sweep is that? sucks. right now, all i'm looking forward to is spending time with justin when he gets home from work, getting paid this friday, and seeing my friends and family in 28 days. that's it. i am happy, don't get me wrong. i just wish things would stay one way for awhile for a change. i don't understand why they would hire me when they apparently "don't even need anyone else". pray for me, or pray for business to speed up so that they DO need me. fuck you, economy. i need money.



"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway."


cross your fingers!

Money is becoming low. I get paid this friday. Hopefully it's enough to tide me over for awhile. I need to do christmas shopping. I'm really proud of myself this year - I'm doing something totally different. :x Yeah, I know, I'm excited too :)


no subject.

I need to start praying more. I don't really have a church out here that we have found that's good yet, and that's fine, I know it takes time. But I miss being so close to God, and the simpler days when youth group was so much fun. I am going to start praying at least once every day, and get back into that habit.


settled in.

this past week has been a bit rough. counting settling the dog in, and getting used to him yelping and chewing on literally everything in sight. (not to mention him humping everything as well, such a perk - i know) we decided on the name bison. if you saw him, you'd think the same - he does look like a little buffalo. it suits him. he's a firecracker. but anyways, work is going alright. i'm getting the hang of things and i'll hopefully be building my portfolio within the next week or two. i'm honestly just looking forward to getting paid next week, i'm drowning. once i start getting paid regularly, things i'm sure will be much less stressful. i've been thinking about people back home lately, how they're doing, and how they never contact me to see how i'm doing. i'll contact them, but i barely get a response. then after that, i just feel pathetic. so, in a way, it sucks because i love them all and it seems like it's a one way relationship, then on the other hand - i suppose it's good that i got out of there because i guess they weren't great friends after all? it's a tough call, really. both reasons suck, ha. whatever i guess, there's nothing i can do about it being 2600 miles away and everything. we are purchasing our christmas tickets to california this week hopefully. boss was supposed to call me last night about time off - but didn't...what a shocker. so california peeps or whoever really gives a shit, look forward to me and justin being out there from the 21st-26th.
today really blows in a sense that i could NOT sleep AT ALL last night because of my belly. i had the worlds weirdest dream in the 2+ hours that i actually slept and it's creeping me out. justin is working until 7:30pm tonight, and it's only 10am right now. i can't get off the couch because i'm in so much pain, and i'm sure bison isn't too thrilled that his playmate is literally immovable. too bad the cat is too much of a puss to play with him, rather than just sit there and let him hump his face. haha, that's a sight, seriously. i hope today goes by fast or i hope i feel better really soon. i wish i could just sleep through today to make up for the horrible night last night. i'll keep my fingers crossed.
melissa flies in this weekend, i'm looking forward to that. another girl friend for a week, hooray! it feels like christmas, haha. if i had a good solid one out here, that'd make things a lot easier. hopefully i'll find one soon.
also, there's been tons of wedding shows on tv lately. and yes, i've been watching them. and as sad as this may seem, i already picked what i want my dress to look like. hehe. i'm totally jumping the gun and i need to cut it out >.< but whenever i think about it in my head, i just love the thought of seeing justin at the end of that aisle. we bump heads quite a bit, but i love him so much. he has taught me so much about myself and just so much in general. the size of his heart is what got me. he's absolutely amazing.