well that's it, we leave for california the day after tomorrow. i am so excited, oh my god. yesterday i should have been packing, but unfortunately i was having a rough time. i hate that i don't have a job, and i hate that i'm the "unemployed girlfriend". not that anybody calls me that but myself or anything. i want to be able to provide for him, for US. but i can't. the one time i have been trying so fucking hard, applying at over 30 places i'm sure. no feedback whatsoever. i miss my old job, and i miss the people there. i was getting the hang of it and beginning to really like it. i don't understand why things would be this way for a reason. that's what i believe. i just don't see it.. what's the purpose? to slowly make me lose hope? it just sucks. i completely broke down and basically had a panic attack yesterday. almost got a job, then found out it was already filled, then applied for 20,000 more jobs, and the only one that calls back is a freaking temp agency. everything's riding against me it seems. i'm trying so hard to keep my head above water. thank god for christmas soon, and seeing my friends and family. but i'm scared that when i leave i'm going to be twice as sad knowing i'm coming back to no job, no income, and more loss of hope. i'm praying for a miracle here. just anything, really. so hopefully this next week is amazing - i know it will be. i'm needing it badly. justin is more than amazing and supporting me through all of this, and i love him so much! i just hate the fact that i feel like a failure to him. to my family. even to myself. i know it's nothing personal, and that the economy sucks ass right now. but i'm always the first person i blame. i guess i need to work on that...
i hope everybody has a great holiday. i'm sorry if i am bringing you down :(
"contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. its for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. its for those who know a good thing when they see it; even if they don't see it nearly enough."
today equals six months officially. feels like so much longer, but then again it doesn't. it's a weird feeling, but it's definitely been the best and the hardest six months of my life. it's weird to think that seven months ago, i was a completely different person. i'm sure he was too. he has definitely changed me, that's for sure. in a good way of course. made me stronger, and more confident. we have our ups and downs just like every other couple, but even when things aren't perfect - i still can't imagine being without him. there's just no one who has ever made me feel this way. sounds corny, i know, but i'm being honest.
justin, i love you so much. putting all the jokes, all the foolishness aside, I love you. more and more every single day. moving out here to start my life with you was one of the smartest decisions i've ever made.
Started the 365 project about 5 days ago. It's been really good for me. It's surprisingly keeping my hopes up. Justin and the family are too, but you know what I mean. I like thinking creatively again, it feels like it's been so long and I have so many ideas in my head that I need to get out. I'm trying to get this application for iStockphoto to work, but it's being really stupid. I need money, and I want to sell my prints. If you see anything that I do and want a print of it, please please let me know! It would mean so much to me!